Is today.
Preface
But not today as in the published date. I typed the title and first sentence in a draft months ago. On this day, my world flipped and a dormant anger inside me was flipped on along with my middle finger to the dickbag, loser, asshole, scum, piece of shit, fucking sad excuse of skin and bones that I once called a boyfriend.
Venture into the Near Past
I finished a two part training being offered by the Health Promotion and Wellness Department at my place of employment that involved learning different types of trauma and how to offer support. The first part, two days ago, focused primarily on learning the behaviors of individuals who suffer trauma and recognizing the signs.
The second part, today, focused primarily on sexual violence, abusive relationships, and partner violence and recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship.
It was in this second part where I realized I am a victim of rape.
When it Happened
I was 19 years old and in my very first relationship. As a young female, I had been made to believe in high school that I was a commitment phobe. I have come to realize that was a lie. What I was in my teen years, was a girl who knew what she wanted and expected, and was slowly broken down over time in giving up those wants and expectations for settling. Young women are not supposed to have wants and are supposed to set the bar so low one steps on it because it’s nonexistent.
So, in my last teen year I settled on a quiet, but nice handsome boy who worked with friends of mine. I knew very little about him, but the little bits I did intrigued me enough to try and learn more. We started talking with more frequency, hanging out, and before I knew it I had a boyfriend. About two to three months in, is when problems arose, but there were warning signs before then. I know now that I was being manipulated and coerced into doing things he wanted to do all the while fooling myself I wanted to do these things because I was taught as a young woman you do things in relationships that the other person wants. What I didn’t see was everything and everyone I was giving up in the process, starting with myself.
About two months into dating, he told me he loved me. This threw me for a loop and I didn’t offer the desired response…I love you…back. What prevailed was awkwardness, hurt feelings, and shaming. I found out a couple weeks later, when I found myself ready to say those three words back that he’d had sex with a previous partner because my lack of “I love you” meant that we weren’t monogamous. But now that I had said it, we could date just each other. This was the beginning of me seeing how the rules were ever changing when it came to acceptable and unacceptable forms of behavior in our relationship where the rules were always bent to accommodate him. I could never win, be enough, be worthy and worthwhile. Most of the time it was easy for him to find something wrong with me and then, he’d flee.
Eventually, I lost most of my friends, but I’d convinced myself they were rubbish. I was in increasing danger every day of losing my family. Our relationships were strained.
I was a virgin going into the relationship and was adamant that I was waiting until marriage to have sexual intercourse. Seven months into dating, seven months of him telling me he would wait with me, seven months of him manipulating me with foreplay that made the impulses hard to ignore, seven months of him blaming me for the back pains he’d get from “blue balls,” and I was guilted into giving in. And my first time(s) were not ideal.
He was impatient, controlling, domineering, and it hurt. I didn’t get the pleasure that follows the pain. I got uterine pressure pain, and white hot searing pains. I bled. He broke my hymen. I was convinced we needed to keep the nasty mattress with my hymen stain as a keepsake. The sex was never all that good, but I lied to myself over and over that sacrificing my body for his pleasure was all that mattered. The sex was like a never-ending saga. Many years later, in a Human Sexuality class I learned that he had priapism.
A persistent and painful erection of the penis, lasting more than 4 hours, and has nothing to do with sexual arousal. -WebMD.com
He had convinced me that if I got him aroused (putting the onus of his physiological reactions on me), but was too tired to do anything about it that it gave him blue balls and the pain he got from his engorged testicles went straight into his scoliosis-riddled spine. So, if I wasn’t having sex with him and pleasuring him I was required to massage his back for as long as he would end up having sex with me.
The rape — the sex I never consented to — happened in my sleep. I remember waking up one time, the tv on static, my hand somewhat sticky, and him rolling to his back quickly wiping himself off. Later, he admitted to having sex with me in my sleep. How many times? Was I drugged? Why was this ok? It’s something I will never understand. My first boyfriend is not the only person I know who thinks that unconscious sex without consent is permissible.
I was in this abusive, toxic, and caustic relationship for two years. I remember the moment the wool got pulled back for me.
Seeing What Was Missing
I was 21 and had recently started working at the bar and billiards place we hung out at often. I worked day shift as a waitress, which was a huge boost in income from previous jobs. One day after work, I got asked to hang out with co-workers who worked nights primarily, who were going to throw darts, drink, play pool, and have fun. For some reason, I got the opportunity to meet up with them.
I. had. so. much. fun.
I remember looking into the joy-filled face of “Buddha” (a co-worker) and thinking this is what fun is. This is what hanging out with friends is. I miss this. I miss the fun-loving, young person with dreams that I used to be. And in this same moment, I realized how absolutely miserable I had been the last two years. That realization nagged on me for a week or so. The teenager with wants and expectations returned to me in that week and she was not giving up.
Taking Myself Back
I went to my boyfriend and told him I wanted to break up. He told me I wouldn’t find anyone as good as him, anyone that would treat me as well as he did. There was a tiny kernel of doubt that tried to take root in my mind with those words, but teenage me decided that it was better to try living without him and living with myself than being miserable one second longer. He, then, marched downstairs and returned with a knife saying, “he was going to cut himself and end his life.” It temporarily derailed me and the plans I had that night.
The next day, I approached him again and told him we were breaking up and he needed to move out by the end of the week. He tried the knife story again and I knee jerk laughed in his face. I felt a combination of shame and relief in that moment. I saw the knife story for what it was — an empty threat — one last ditch effort to manipulate and control me. I told him to go ahead, but that he still needed to move out of my father’s house by the end of the week.
Understanding Victim Behavior via Perpetrator Behavior
Why did it take me over 15 years to understand this relationship as an abusive relationship and acknowledge my rape?
I was brought up thinking that rape was a physically violent act, being forced to submit or engage against my will.
My own rape was sexual violence, but not physical, and the abuse, manipulations, and coercion leading up to it were all blanketed within my first intimate relationship. It was easy to blur the lines of what was acceptable, let alone what I wanted because I was being taught to conform — to mold into wanting what my partner wanted and let go of myself. After all, I was led to believe I was a commitment phobe and I was out to prove to everyone I had staying power.
Important Data Regarding Perpetrators
The Department of Justice has stated that over 80% of rapes reported are perpetrated by someone the victim knows and that less than 20% of rapes are perpetrated by strangers.
Some things to know about abusive relationships. Abusive relationships are abusive from the beginning, contrary to popular belief. Many people will say, that partners turn abusive after a relationship’s beginning, but this isn’t the case. Manipulative and coercive behaviors in a partner/love interest/new date are telling signs of further violence and abuse to occur.
The Sexual Assault Sequence starts with the perpetrator selecting a target. Then, evaluating the target. Once, evaluation proves that this is the target, the perpetrator begins grooming the victim. That is, they fish for insecurities, push boundaries, and find ways to control the victim.
The next stage in the sequence is isolation. Once, a victim has been isolated there is little to no chance of stepping in. It is crucial to be aware of manipulative and coercive behaviors. One way in which to do this is to see moments where you end up being asked to share insecurities, vulnerabilities, and moments where boundaries you have laid out are being ignored and/or you’re being coerced into eliminating them.
It’s also important to know that “charming” and “nice” are a skill set and NOT personality traits. This is not to say that every person skilled in charm and niceties is a perpetrator, but knowing it’s something that one can be skilled in, to gain control over individuals, is helpful in seeing manipulative and coercive behaviors behind the charming facade.
Reflection and Conclusion
I would like to say that my first relationship was the last of its kind, but it wasn’t. Because of today’s training, I realized that I had been in two additional abusive relationships where the abuse, manipulation, and coercion were there from the beginning.
I hope that by sharing my experiences and what I learned today in this training that I can help individuals intervene that see perpetrator behavior and/or know the signs so that they can exit an abusive relationship.
